It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). Funny Responses to "How Are You?" that will make people laugh Science of People 815K subscribers Subscribe 3K Share 53K views 7 months ago #vanessavanedwards #conversation #communication How. On the other end, I have a tactic for weekend planning. And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). Yup. A little of this, a little of that. Situation #4: You have to say "no.". I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. Sometimes I go with something like, Im already committed to a couple of things, but they still have to get back to me about when, exactly, theyre happening. Nothing very interesting. This relationship goes both ways. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! But when its a thing I -did- want to go to, its 100% better to ensure that I have made plans for the actual event and not have to deal with last minute changes due to someones mistake or mishearing. Excellent insight and analysis. Then there is the Miss Manners rebuff, where the pitch is level until the final word is raised. And it is really freaking wearing on them that people in the UK will correct them if they say theyre British. I like to use Oh, you know, just some of the usual weekend stuff. ! OH ME TOO. I used to get caught by this question. It generally meant that they had read somewhere on some really stupid website that you should try to get the girl you want to talk about herself, because girls like to talk about themselves. Folding the dishes. We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? Since the question what are you doing this weekend? has, like, 18 possible meanings, many of which *can* involve power plays, it just breaks my brain. This isnt a high-stakes issue like the LW that was abusing their partner. She had already asked him. Cause you dont have to find out if Im busy BEFORE inviting me to something or asking me for a favor. Its usually along the lines of what are you doing on April 17th? Of course I dont likely have plans that far away, and I feel tricked into committing to be his date for some boring thing on a precious Saturday evening. - Joseph Addison - Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. Its real. If people volunteer that theyre from somewhere far away whether they have a recognizable accent or not I might ask what made them choose this tiny place to move to. But why would you feel entitled to her time to help with party favors for a party youre throwing? Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? Funny Response to How Are You There are many fun things we could say and people will think that you're smart and interesting! I am fond of: Oh, you know how it is. Sometimes, answering a question with a question is the best strategy. So if theyre just chatting youve invited them to talk about their own weekend, and if they are in fact leading up to an invitation, then youve been vague about whether nothing interesting means lots of chores, or free time. That stuff just wears on people. Published on August 6, 2022. I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). An Australian tech and business journalist echoed this: "Great the new unsolicited email intro seems to be . "That is very thoughtful of you, it was a nice weekend.". Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. How do I know if my comment was lost or is just stuck in a mod queue? Mostly they arent great at invitations. It kind of sucks to be going about your business and then people remind you that you dont fit in. Can you do me a favor? It avoids (in their mind) making the person feel pressured to commit if they dont actually want to. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. She didnt have other plans; she just wanted to draw a line in the sand about him telling her what to do. I love so hard your example in #3. My workmates and I ask all the time stuff like what are you up to tonight/on the weekend? and its almost never a prelude to inviting them to something, its just small talk sharing our lives. (If they didnt mean an invitation) I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. Ive never found it made any difference at all for invitations its not like I told them how much time each activity Im doing will require or what other boring chores I will also be doing. Doing great, what are you doing here? Our relationship got better when I moved out. For a close friend, you could answer more literally. Not every parent who expects stuff from their kid is unreasonable. 1) Let the weekend memes begin! And they tend to be very very very sure of what counts as racism (nothing they do/say, of course), with an overlay of you should be grateful I am nice to you to wrap it all up. Oh, such discerning eyes. How should I respond? So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. I think w/ friends, if youre open to the getting together, you can say, Were you thinking of trying to get together? in a hopeful tone. In my case its also true (OH is much better at executive function than me). Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. I have not observed him asking this many questions to other bank customers, not that I hang out in there much, and maybe they give him more satisfactory/interesting answers). Thats thats exactly what makes it a microagression. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. Oh man.I think this sort of thing bugs me because my dad very carefully taught me to ask/invite people for a specific activity/time precisely to avoid this scenario. Why do you ask? is my go-to response as well. Im with this LWask me to do a specific thing or dont. Thank you for a better way to ask this question. For me, it was lack of basic adult civility and respect that was the death knell I didnt expect safety or that level of support after 18 and didnt feel wronged that it was not given. Your tactic of combining the two points is the right way to go, I think. My belief is that its easier to layer politeness onto a firm foundation of self-aware no than it is to find no after being trained to be obliging. I expect either Oh were going to see New Movie/having a picnic/running errands or I dunno, usually followed by how about you? Its a low pressure small talk question, most of the time. My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. "See, I will finally make you smile.". This might just be a difference in communication styles. But Im not interested in any work-related socializing that eats into my personal life). Nothing obviously inappropriate has happened, I dont think I need to talk to his supervisor (I dont want him fired, it would just be nice if hed back off on his own, but IDK if that will happen, or maybe he will transfer or change hours (I thought he had for a few months last year when I did not see him at all)). Those non-negotiable things come up probably twice a month, at most. Theyre expecting to hear seeing a movie and doing some yardwork, not reciting my social security number out loud while treating my intimate medical issues or anything else not normally shared with a crowd. It doesnt mean Im not an interesting person or my life is less meaningful if Im selective about who I share the details of my life with. Giving my turtle a haircut. Absolutely, this too. I think its interesting how LW is talking about what seems to me to be a specific social paradigm/situation that a lot of the commentators do not share? On a walk with my dinosaur. It happens every time I get him as a teller. So, now give me my money back. I feel like sometimes there is such a huge anti-parent bias among the commenters here. Instead of saying: "I had a cheeky wine in the garden" Say: "I partook in an al fresco wine tasting. I find looking out for the people who cause difficulty when things dont go their way, is more useful than trying to figure out all the numerous different ways common interactions could be interpreted and trying to use the right one for every situation. Of course, you can replace "great" with any adjective (positive or negative) that describes your day in a general way. Now, when someone asks, I reply, Im not sure what Ill be in the mood for. If someone responds with an offer of plans, I can then say, Nice! How am I right now? Tell me about you. On the other hand, that was a while ago. Being a grown up with a family, studies and a job, friends and hobbies my life is often busy and so is my friends so we often use this website https://doodle.com/ but then people always know what kind of an event we are trying to schedule. my mother does this. Its technically true and covers pretty much any emotion you might be feeling. What are you doing this weekend? And we do know that extreme surveillance is a very brutal and destructive form of torture. We should definetely try to avoid stealth scheduling questions. 3. If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. Me: Dunno, but probably not. They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. That's why this is one of the funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" that you should keep in mind. But you, yours steals the show every time. what are you doing?. This says "I'm doing well.". I think lots of people, especially women, are socialized to think that confidence is impolite, so they try to sound unassertive. Cant. And if its clearly just conversation, (and you want to participate further) offer up something else, Why do I feel entitled to her assistance with something I am doing for her grandmother & grandfather while she sits in her room and plays Minecraft? Xoxo. As long as I sound friendly, folks who have no ulterior motive take it at face value, and the ones who are being invasively nosy, or hoping to trick me into something, are taken aback and sometimes given subtle notice that I will set boundaries But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. I moved out from my parents when I was 25. That would feel like a very odd response if I were making small-talk with the question. Im asking because you absolutely will pay for it in terms of impacts on the long-term relationship with the person she will become. Again with the caveat that you have to tell the person whom youve used as an excuse that youve done so! I should add it somewhat depends on how well I know the person. I would much rather receive hey want to check out the Frida Kahlo photography exhibit? or are you free to take the kids for a few hours??? If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. This is how I feel too. Whats shes for is waiting on and attending to others, and without an opportunity to do that, she must be sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark. YES, THIS. A question is not a legal summons, you can literally ignore it if you want! Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. Is everyone busy? Also it varies on friend one friend, if I ask him if hes free Friday, we both understand that means beer and movies until the early hours, by default. I eat most things except Mexican, but with some people I have learned to just make the decision or well spend so much time dithering that once we decide on a place, my lunch break will be over. I actually trained my mother out of this question by responding to every vague What are you doing on X? by saying Tell me what you really want to know. Fortunately, my mother is a reasonable person who understands boundaries, and mostly just laughed and said Good point, Z is going on and Id like to go and wanted company. She also totally gets my introversion and that sometimes I dont have anything going on but Id still rather not do Z is a perfectly valid answer. Im sure its benignly intended but its intrusive. Boy, do I need it. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. I would actually be pretty weirded out by a friend who a) felt this was genuinely intrusive BUT b) also would not actually tell me they felt this was too intrusive. He doesnt need to be that nosy about how you spend your time. I also come from an area that tends to do a lot more indirect communication than I think many parts of the US, though, and tend to prefer a softer communication style unless someones being either rude or unaware enough to force me into being blunt. Plus they have the freedom to say Nah, cant on Saturday, but Im free Friday or whatever. 1. Him: Nothing at all? Nothing much? and Im like yup and get back to work.) I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. And in my experience, parents of adult children dont assign their childrens plans (and wishes) the same priority as their own plans (and wishes). ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. Its just a formulaic greeting. )in a way that seems to be back firing. You can also better manage your time because you can text her at anytime you want. My friends do it alllll the time. There are still traces of that damage; Im still mad about it. single. If you want! Its okay to say you are within your rights to do these things anyway, because you are. Just about the only good answer is, That doesnt work for me/us, followed by, Asked and answered, when they dont want to take that answer. A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. Ill assume thats the case and check back later. Sometimes I might even say, its okay if you dont want to, its not urgent, but I was wondering if you could possibly help babysit Saturday? So threatening to make her move out is just not wise. It could trick your family members into thinking that you actually have your life together. How can I ask in a way that minimizes that feeling? . Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Three-day weekends would be perfect if they were just four days longer. I have only one person who does this, my widowed FIL, and it irritates me no end. Its really cool to see how other people approach this stuff and I liked learning from your comment! Born and raised in the US, and I also think this is a weird question not to answer literally. Never trust Calvin, even if you see Hobbes! To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being. Eating. We teach children that they must answer questions put to them by adults, that they have no choice in the matter. Which sometimes was fine but not always. Its just in the past year or so that its cropped up repeatedly, with different people at different establishments. There are also times my kid can ask for help, and *I* dont get to say, eh, no, Id rather read a book. Not if I want to consider myself her family. Texting or sending an email to someone. Certain relatives. I think the idea is that someone who thinks no is hard will get the direct request and start cancelling plans, because no one would actually directly ask for babysitting unless this was the most important event of their lives. In conclusion the rules arent really all that different. What did _you_ have in mind?. Its aggravating, but it makes sense. On the other hand, being around them makes my shoulders go up around my ears. I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? Them: We should have lunch soon. Them : Ah, then Ill get back to you (They never get back to you). How are you? Sam sends Julia a text at 9 PM on Saturday night, with an idea that could give the company an edge in customer service's call hold times. Here are some days you can disappointedly shake your head at and postpone the event until some hazy future date when a Wednesday sees you free. Like now? Amazing what showering can do for you. "Thanks, it was a chance to relax and I am grateful for that.". no one tries to rope me into something). I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. What are the usual scripts? I can vouch for this strategy! Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. After decades of various sorts of problem behavior from my father, I literally hit a brick wall of having had enough, and weve been done ever since. More words, people, not less. I loathe this question, and Ive been getting it a lot lately. At least once I figured out that they genuinely *didnt* need to know anything about me if they were going to behave that way I could default to oh my god Im so busy! Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. And then when you part somebody accidentally says love you, too. Thats how it always happens for me, anyway. Are you asking where are you from of every person you meet the first time, or only of those whose appearance/accent makes you suspect they are not from your locality? The only exceptions are: 1. , Related the person who just assumes youre doing whatever theyve planned for you because its a family thing and youre family or I asked Z and they said you were free* or What else would you be doing? Id also add that when youve lived in a place for years and are planning to stay, like I am in my husbands home country, it gets very tiring to have everyone assume youre just visiting or that youre an international student and will be gone soon. Them We need to have lunch soon She got like that by working three times as hard as everyone else and being three times as smart as everyone else. My family are a bunch of hyper-social weirdos for whom my introvert-ness is very confusing. Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. Its all the other situations I listed that bother me the ones where I dont always know the purpose of the question / true intent of the asker, or I suspect its to get me to do something. A party people pop quiz so to speak. As unfathomable as it is to me to want to be out and about with other humans pretty much every night, it is unfathomable to them to want to spend a whole weekend under a blanket with a book. Im white. It doesnt sound like a lot of fun to me, though. For example, if there were a certain number of hours per week or month that she needs to work at certain things you set, Im not seeing a problem. Right now? Thats a very uncomfortable and isolating feeling. Me: No can do. Im also self employed and use a similar excuse. I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. Not always). Its up there with things like when are you going back home? or how does xy work back home? and other similar questions asked to people perceived as foreign (mostly for racial reasons). You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). 3. I think theres a frustratingI dont know what to call it, but adding monetary transaction to a relationship doesnt always make it better. Her Kid: are you ready to come to school? Which I learned is a great policy to do with favor sharks. I understand that theyre just trying to be friendly and make small talk but it still feels invasive. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. Thats a great answer! I sympathize. It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. Well, it is a basic level of people-ing that you need to get used to if you want to interact with other humans, yanno. How about you? might be more the way to communicate what you have in mind. Am I? If youve never read, The Gift of Fear, the critical point is that niggling things like exactly this are the warnings that can save your life and that there is literally no better metric than that the situation is giving you that reaction, no matter how small or how you try to dismiss it. (I am also not her only parent, so I dont get to act unilaterally. In the UK I think some places greet each other with all right? all right? and nobody blinks an eye. Part of it for me, too, is that a lot of my free time is devoted to managing my anxiety and physical issues (that I dont talk about at work) and I feel pressured to always have a good weekend. It gives the impression that Id rather do nothing than spend time with you or help you with something (which may very well be true, but is often not a conversation worth having). If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. From the sound of it, this is a dynamic already in place where LW faces various sorts of family opprobrium if LW turns down the cousin, and this is what LW is reacting to. In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. ), but I can tell you that even from that POV, I generally have few expectations of this kind of question. Thank you!!! I am not anyones manic pixie dream social secretary. For an acquaintance, depends. I completely agree that when it comes to a duty (like babysitting) this question is somewhat unfair. (Like, Im the kind of introvert who is good with people but I know a few who are just exhausting and who drain my battery super quickly), Could you have a conversation with her about, Were gonna have to schedule when all of our kids are walking to school. Answer vaguely. Especially since shes not working during the dayshe only HAS leisure time.). I completely agree, it is always best to begin with the intention: I need a babysitter, I am planning a board game evening, I would love to spend time with you and catch up. I too wish I had the strength & Phoebe confidence to pull of that line. Just treating it as a question of not disclosing/being private is entirely the wrong approach. They specifically mentioned 4 contexts where the asker then does go on to invite them to do something or asks for a favor. Similar boundary setting but this is a different angle. Him: You must be doing something. I need you to babysit. "You know I can do this anytime.". One of my friends always answered (very cheerily): Dont know! Since youre not busy, do you want to go to [event] with me? Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. Detailing the event and a specific date is best. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. I might even be more direct My kids and I need the walk to school for ourselves. #1078: Sooooooowhat are you doing thisweekend?, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. You (if you are not up for it, whether the reason is actual business or not wanting to at all) oh, I wish I could I was going to say, my experience with We should hang out some time! and the like are that theyre more of a social gesture. I understand the concept, but it seems to me that getting an invitation after revealing that you were nominally free at that time would make refusal even harder, not easier. What are you doing? (My brother and sister in particular also had to learn from both their friends and myself that, just because they love me and love them doesnt mean that were all friends) I could only imagine if that question were followed by an expectation of service or freedom to assume I was going to a thing. She's asking because she's interested in your plans specifically. That way your daughter can organize her time (which is an important adult skill) and gets some input on what is a chore and how important it is (which allows her to build other adult skills) and she wont get interrupted that much (which to you doesnt feel that way but her story looks probably very different). Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. Some other commenters have pointed out that sometimes people use this question as an conversation opener or in order to seem polite while they actually want to tell about their own plans.
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